The Problem With "Love Yourself as You Are"

I am a perpetual goal setter. I get fired up at the start of the year and at the start of each month. Heck, even a Monday can get me fired up for the potential "clean slate" of a new week.

Some of my goals, I achieve. Others, I don't. Do I sometimes feel disappointed in myself? Yes. But that doesn't stop me from setting more goals.

It has become common for women on social media to say, "Stop looking to constantly improve yourself. Love yourself as you are. You are perfect as you are. Don't set resolutions. You don't need to change to be happy."

And I get that. I do. I get that women have a tendency to berate themselves and to say "if only THIS was different, I could be happy." I get that people don't live "in the moment."

But. I am not perfect as I am, not really. For the past couple years, I have had high cholesterol and high blood pressure. These metrics are both driven by my weight. I need to lose weight for health reasons. I can only lose weight by setting goals, sticking to a plan, and monitoring what I do. All the time. If I stop, I eat thousands of calories and watch TV instead of moving. That is who I was as a kid. That is who I was as a teen. That is what is in my genes.

When I read the messages saying you don't need to change--just be happy, my little mind a) is ashamed about my penchant for goal setting, and b) turns toward FOOD FOOD FOOD. "That's great, I can eat all the things, all the time." It sets me up for  for making unhealthy choices and for perhaps getting more chronic health problems later on.

I am not saying that I shouldn't "love myself as I am" IN ADDITION TO making healthy choices. For me, that is a CHANGE. I need to CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR to live the most fulfilling life I can. And that behavior change will lead to a mind/body change. And I feel like the "body positive," "love yourself as you are" movements diminish that.

I may be the only one who feels shamed by the DON'T RESOLVE TO DO ANYTHING culture. And no, many resolutions don't stick. However, in January 2001, I entered a Weight Watchers room, at the HEIGHT of resolution season. I was what gym-goers and "regulars" at WW disparagingly call a "resolutioner." A faker taking up space for a few weeks.

But. By January of 2002, I'd lost 100 pounds. Some resolutions stick. And some change your life.

Horn Tooting Time: One Month of Tracking!

I have officially completed one entire month of tracking everything I ate, every day, all day. I truly can't remember the last time I did this and I question if I ever really have. There was that January before we went to St. Lucia, when I lost 20 lbs after the holidays LOL ... but I can't remember if I just was "on points" that whole time or really tracked it all.

Regardless, this is a very big accomplishment for me.

I'd like to say that I'm feeling confident, and I am--but to a point. I keep waiting for the "thing that will break this." I keep waiting for my mind to pop out of the mindset, for this to become hard again...

Because, I hesitate to say this, but this is the "easiest" this has felt to me since my first year on Weight Watchers, the big year, when it all came off the first time. I used to say it was easy, it FELT easy, and then I would look back on that time and think "How could I have ever thought this was easy?? It is impossible." But now ... I don't have cravings. I don't feel urges like I used to. I turn from pizza and office bagels and Boston creme pie without a pang and actually with a bit of DISDAIN.

It's not that I've given up sugar--far from it. I have three mini Heath bars every day. I use (a lot of) International Delight in my coffee most mornings. I eat baked chips and my might-as-well-be-candy-bars protein bars for breakfast. I just feel ... settled. It's a very odd feeling for me to feel, after years of fighting and struggling.

And of course, me being me, I worry it will end.

The holidays loom, but at this point, I don't even ... care? I think of Christmas cookies and big dinners and I don't feel tempted or worried. We'll see how I feel in 3 months, but I plan to continue tracking through it all.

I have had three big losses on the scale in a row, so I am braced for a smaller one or no loss tomorrow, but I will know it's because of my body, not because of any "cheat meals" or something. We haven't eaten out in the past month except: 2 Panera meals; 1 Subway meal; and 1 Chopt meal. Wow! Another huge accomplishment. I'm feeling happy in the kitchen. Our grocery budget has swelled ... but I am happy to be cooking at home again.

And I realized ... Munch is still young enough that I can change his perception of how we eat at home. It doesn't have to be that he looks back and remembers us constantly eating out. Rather, he can remember his mom cooking tons of home-cooked meals and that eating out was a treat.

So I'm very proud of myself. I'm riding in the zone. I know that I'm ultimately in control. In some ways I think "what is HAPPENING??" but then I put my head down and keep forging on!

Still Going Strong

Ugh, work and home life have been so insane that I have not had time to give an update on my progress. I have had the best stretch of healthy eating that I have had in a very long time--years! I have written down everything I've eaten, every day, since August 28. That's almost 3 weeks. For context, I generally would go 2 days, start getting lax, and be completely off again by the weekend.

We also have only eaten Panera 2 times and Subway once in that time. Again for context, we were eating out, and eating badly (Chipotle, burgers, pizza, subs with chips) at least 2 or 3 times a week and almost all of the weekend. I tracked and stayed on calories throughout Labor Day weekend. This is unprecedented LOL. Now, we have home-cooked dinner almost every night, and the nights we have something late, when previously we would "grab something" (like the aforementioned subs/pizza), we have had Lean Cuisines or Eggos. It's not always glamorous, but it is a huge change for us.

FOR LUNCHES at work, I have brought a salad EVERY SINGLE DAY. On my work at home days, I have a veggie-filled omelet that I LOVE. I had also gotten into the habit of "grabbing something" when the lunch I brought didn't sound satisfying. I was forever feeling like I don't get enough vegetables and feeling bummed about that. Now, I have a huge amount of veggies early in the day and I feel good and accomplished.

The scale reflected my work last Friday; we'll see what it says tomorrow. I'm still hitting relatively high calories because breastfeeding (though it's minimal at this point) and because mentally I am not in a place to go low. My sister is doing 1,200 calories and while I have done that, I just can't do it now. I try to hit between 1,750 and 1,850 calories. I know that once the breastfeeding is done, I'll have to drop, but I plan to drop gradually--down to 1,600, then 1,500 and see what my body does. For this time, I needed to focus on writing down everything and staying within a reasonable number. And I've done that and will continue to do that.

(I will say that I was hesitant to update progress because, well, I don't want to jinx anything. But I am in control of my own choices, so that's a silly thought.)

Hubs is tracking and that has been a huge help to me as well. Poor guy is hungry, but managing. LOL

I will say this is time-consuming. Cooking dinner after school/work is a challenge, so I try to do meal preps on the weekend and on my work at home days. Chopping lunch veggies takes longer than "grabbing something" at the building cafe. Getting everyone's lunch together and the baby's food and bottles together now that school has started up again takes about 30-45 minutes every night. It's annoying and exhausting sometimes. But it's becoming habitual. And I feel very good.

So, for now, I'm staying the course. I have not felt "tempted," yet, though I know that will come. I have felt committed and like this is what I want so badly that pizza is not worth it. It's a feeling I will hold on to.

Back in the Saddle (Goals, 8/28-9/3)

Again!

Summer is over and it's time to get serious. I go to the doctor on Friday for my physical and I anticipate not very good blood work. I am determined to change my lifestyle. I'm done with gaming the system, only making good choices for 2 days and then getting back into the same old routine. I only have one life and I intend to live it as healthfully as I reasonably can!

My instinct is to shoot for the moon on goals, but with two small kids at home, I know that's just setting myself up for failure. So, small steps. I will get there.

Goals for the week:

• Track all food.
• Eat no more than 1,900 calories per day.
• Get 15 minutes of activity per day.
• Eat all home-cooked meals.

 Let's do this! 

Lose List: Living as Long as Possible

I have always been afraid of dying. It is such an ingrained fear that when I found out not everyone worries about dying on a daily basis, I was shocked. For me, the threat of death is a constant spectre. I am better about it now. But I still worry. Doubly so now that I am a mother.

When my sons look at me adoringly, my warm mommy heart tries to stay in the moment, but a voice, likely the voice of my lifelong anxiety, whispers, "Oh God, they will be devastated if I die."

Suddenly my own death isn't just terrifying for myself. It is life-changing for two little people. On a fundamental level, their lives, their outlook on life, their worldview, would change. And that thought terrifies me.

Suddenly the unconditional love sons have for their mothers feels sinister and fraught. I don't want them to love me so much because of what it will do to them if they lose me.

Of course part of the nature of fear of death is that it is the ultimate thing out of our control. We can do all the things we think to ward off death--buckle up, look both ways, check for (skin) moles, chew carefully, don't dive in shallow water, drive sober, lock the doors at night, carry pepper spray, knock on wood until our knuckles are bloody--the list goes on and on into absurdity.

But, in the end, death is uncontrollable.

Except when it isn't. And one thing that is hammered into the public's consciousness is that OBESITY KILLS. Obesity increases the risk of death. Obesity harms the body in untold ways.

I have known this for all of my life. I remember being a "tween" (we weren't called that then), sitting at a doctor's desk with my mother. I don't know why I saw this doctor--he wasn't either of my childhood pediatricians. I don't know what brought about this visit. But in the course of it, he said it would be good if I lost some weight (duh). "Carrying around extra weight is hard on the heart." (Oh.)

So on top of my deathly fear that I will die and leave my sons motherless is GUILT. For all my wood knocking and precautions and "be carefuls," I am NOT doing all I can to keep myself around. See, I am eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup instead of considering how this extra weight is harming my heart with every single beat it takes to get the blood to every corner of my obese body. I must not care THAT much. GUILT.

But I do care. I care so much it terrifies me. I care so much that before I learned to manage my anxiety, I would be crippled by worry, leading to things like a racing heart, leading to worry that I was actually having a heart attack, leading to a visit to Urgent Care (later marked in my patient portal "anxiety state"), and ultimately leading to a little comfort eating and thus the cycle continues.

I understand that even a healthy weight doesn't guarantee you will not have a heart attack. How many of us shake our heads in shock and wonder that the gym rat died from a "widow maker" [nice] as the treadmill whirred next to his lifeless body. I understand that even this is out of my control.

But that doesn't mean I should just give up. In fact, this entry is at the top of my lose list. There is nothing more important: Live as long as I can for my children. And my husband, of course. And myself, sure. But my kids most of all.

This item on my lose list is the one that needles me the most. The one that makes me most frustrated with myself. If I can't even eat healthy for THIS, what hope do I have? But see, even death is so abstract. I had a high cholesterol blood test in 2016 and it didn't change my eating habits. Because the voice that rationalizes such things (a different voice from anxiety, possibly the one that works so hard to fight the anxiety) says, "This one French fry does not matter. This dinner out won't affect your health THAT much. High cholesterol isn't SO bad."

I am working to keep this item on my lose list at the fore. I am working to remove the guilt from the last 6 years of eating. I am working to cast it in a positive light--Be as healthy as possible--rather than a negative--LOSE WEIGHT SO I DON'T DIE!!!! I am working to feel proud of myself when I make the good choices, and this week I've made a few, so that I can hold onto that and get myself to a healthy weight so if I did happen to find myself on my deathbed (God forbid, knock wood, salt over the shoulder), I could know that I DID do everything I could.

My body is worth treating well. My kids are more important than the taste of mayo. My heart deserves to be cut some slack.

Consequences and Coping

Lately, I've been thinking about the consequences of our actions and words, taking responsibility for those consequences, and sitting with negative emotion rather than fighting against it.

My son is at the age when he's beginning to be able to understand consequences. This is hard for me. It's about him pushing limits and as parents being strong enough to follow through on a consequence. For instance, when Munch repeatedly pokes a balloon with something sharp (I mean, not like scissors for God's sake) or lays on top of it and we say he will pop it if he continues, then he continues and pops it, I cannot run out to get him another balloon to stop the ensuing devastation. Actions have consequences.

My mother-in-law has told the story of when Hubs, in a bit of a rage, threw his favorite Garfield toy across the room and the plastic eyes split down the center. Hubs was devastated. He learned, actions have consequences.

Shit happens. And sometimes, we cause the shit to happen. It is hard for many people, myself included, to accept the consequences of our actions, and to "force" others to face the consequences of theirs.

As a mother, as the type of person I am, my instinct is to soothe soothe soothe. And of course when Munch does something dumb and REGRETS it, of course I can soothe him and hug him. But I can't always--and shouldn't always--fix it for him.

When something happens TO him, it will likely be even harder for me. When he doesn't make a team or a friend hurts him, I'm not going to be able to fix that either. I won't be able to remove the negative emotion.

I have an incredibly hard time sitting with feeling bad or angry or anything negative. In my brain, negative = bad = no love. If a family member is angry at me, it used to be, I would roil with anxiety and wring my hands and figure out how to "fix it," even if it wasn't truly my problem to "fix." Now, I'm working on it, trying to be better at COPING.

The ability to cope is one of the biggest gifts I can give my child. The ability to process a problem ON HIS OWN and come up with a resolution or at least lay those bad feelings to rest without pushing them away. This is what leads to a well-rounded adult with a healthy emotional range.

Smoothing out his life will not lead to him being able to cope. Life is hard, life sucks sometimes. He will have to learn that, FEEL THAT, experience that. And know that some problems will be his to figure out on his own, with Hubs and me as a constant soft place to fall when his efforts are not enough and his burdens grow too large. We will be the place to refuel and regroup, so he can dive back in again. This is what I want for my child, what I'm working to give him.

The Bloom Is Off the Rose

Hello from Week 3 of January commitments. This is the first week I've felt moderately blah about my fitness and food efforts. There are reasons for this, besides the fact that motivation ebbs at times--I have a cold that has me exhausted and sneezy, Munchkin is hoarse and I'm stressing it will turn into something that requires a doctor's visit. And my back tweaked again and that is always annoying. Last night was the first night when I felt, seriously, that's ALL the calories I get??? I just wanted to munch and graze.

BUT, I didn't. I had just enough calories for dinner and I didn't have a sweet snack afterwards. This is nigh a miracle! Keep on, keepin on.

• Track all my food. Still doing. I lost 3.4lbs this week for a total of 14.7. Not too shabby. 
• Get at least 8,000 steps a day. Doin it, though it has been a challenge with this cold. I am not able to step it up at all like at the gym, so I'm doing a lot of walking around the house at night. That also means, I'm right around 1,200 calories a day and that is a challenge as well.
• Take the stairs. Yes to the stairs, though I took the elevator once because I had to print something before a meeting and the clock was ticking and again because I was carrying 50lbs of bags and with my back I didn't think it was smart to haul them up 9 floors.
• Meditate 5 days a week, even for just 5 minutes. Missed one day this week, but still going.
• Floss. What's flossing?

 This week marks the last one before vacation! One more big push until a much-needed break.

Still Going Strong

Week 2 of January commitments to getting healthy went very well. Here's the rundown:

• Track all my food. Still doing, and it's getting easier now that I've become familiar with the calorie count for many of my go-to foods--not so much looking up. I was pleasantly informed by my weekly FitBit report that I ate 7,000 calories less than I burned this week--that's exactly on point for eating 1,000 calories less than I burn each day, the goal for 2lb weight loss a week. This week, I lost 6.8lbs for a total of 11.3lbs. I know this is faster than recommended, but when I was "on" during my big weight loss in 2001, I did lose quickly. And, my weight fluctuates daily (I'm weighing myself every day), and so tomorrow I very well could be up 2lbs. I'm just going with it, knowing that I'm doing my best with food and ...
• Get at least 8,000 steps a day. ... walking! I am LOVING the walking. I haven't always been a fan, but I am really enjoying it now. Last week, I averaged over 10,000 steps a day. I also did some harder jogging at the gym a couple times, but I'm really focused on the step total.
• Take the stairs. Still rocking the stairs. I can't say it's getting easier, but I haven't been in the elevator for like 10 days. It's nice.
• Meditate 5 days a week, even for just 5 minutes. Yep. I still don't know if it's doing anything, but I'm trusting it.
• Floss. #Fail. Once this week.

This weekend poses some challenges, as we're going out to lunch with some friends, and it's another friend's birthday. I'm mentally prepped, but encountering these things is different from thinking about them. But I will succeed!

I Could Walk 10,000 Miles

Well, that's how I feel today! Because after a week's concentrated effort, I'm finding that 10,000 steps a day is not so daunting.

A week into January resolutions, things are going very well. I have my eye on the short-term prize, which is a trip for Hubs and me to St. Lucia. The goal is to be good with food and exercise all the way until we leave, which is soon! Then, we plan to work out together while we're away, but I can tell you I'll be indulging in the "free" (read: all inclusive) food and drinks for the week we're off sunning ourselves and connecting as a couple.

An update on my commitments for the month:

• Track all my food. Done and doing. I'm a Weight Watchers gal, but right now I'm tracking all my calories (even lettuce and celery!) in my FitBit app. I love this. My available calories adjust throughout the day as I walk/move more or less. I love having it all right there. I've "nailed" my calorie goal every day for a week, have eaten between 1,200 and 1,600 calories a day, and lost 4.5 pounds in a week. (Mostly water weight, I'm sure.)
• Work out 5 days a week. This has sort of morphed into my next commitment.
• Get at least 8,000 steps a day. I hit and exceeded this goal. On days I went to the gym to walk for about 30 minutes, I easily hit 10,000 steps. Days I didn't, I worked for 8,000 steps. I have decided to take my "working out" slowly, focusing mostly on steps rather than miles or speed. I'm not in great shape and I don't want to push my body too hard, so while I've been to the gym several times this week, it was to walk more and only slowly jog about 8 minutes, if at all. I'm taking the fitness advice that walking is the best thing you can do for your body to heart. I love hitting 10,000 steps. And, honestly--it's not that hard. I thought it would take so much work. It just takes about 45 minutes of concerted effort a day. The rest falls into place. Hubs and I walk around our house at night, just back and forth, back and forth, and Munch walks with us! He says "I steppin too!" I can't wait for spring.
• Take the stairs. Boy have I nailed this one. Every day I've been in the office for the past week, I have walked up and down the stairs. I work on the 9th floor. This means that when I get in in the morning, I walk up the 9 floors, deposit my stuff and check my email, then head back down and walk to Starbucks, then walk ANOTHER 9 floors back up. It feels like hell while I'm doing it, but it feels awesome afterwards. 18 floors by 10am isn't too shabby! I've only been in the elevator twice this week, when riding to and from a meeting with a colleague.
• Meditate 5 days a week, even for just 5 minutes. Done. I do a 5 minute guided meditation every morning before my shower. I don't know if it's doing anything, but I'm going to keep doing it.
• Floss. Um, twice this week. Will try to be better. Why is flossing so impossible, I ask you?

Here's to another awesome 7 days!

Breaking Bad Habits: Weekend Meals at Home

For the past several months, Hubs and I got into the very unhealthy habit of eating out for most of the meals between Friday night and Sunday night. I don't know, when 5pm on Friday hit, it's like something clicked in our minds and it was all restaurant food all the time.

Part of it was being busy and overwhelmed with the holidays and just life. Despite what Rachael Ray may contend, ordering takeout or running to Chipotle takes much less effort than making ANYTHING, even a sandwich, in my own kitchen. There are no veggies to chop, heck no veggies to BUY, and someone else does all the work.

And another part of it is that WE LOVE FOOD and we love takeout and we love restaurants. We just love eating. What we don't love is the effect that had on our bodies! And it has had one.

And once again, a lesson I'm learning over and over is that I can't go lax on myself with food. Some people can take or leave food. If given the option, I am like GIMME, all day, every day. I need to set limits on myself.

So, part of "get our butts in gear" January is to not eat out for dinner or meals on the weekend for the entire month. Not even our beloved go-to Chipotle, which is actually healthier than most takeout if you do it right--but it still is a lot of calories, and we got into the habit of splitting a bag of chips, which are decidedly unhealthy.

And that's what eating out turned into: a habit. So much so that this weekend, on Saturday night, Hubs turned to me and said I really feel like we should be going to Chipotle. We'd programmed our bodies, in a very Pavlovian way, to expect Chipotle for dinner on the weekends. It felt WRONG not having it, my body and mouth were like WHERE IS MY CHIPOTLE WITH THE AMAZING CITRUS-Y RICE???

We needed to break that habit. We need to reprogram our minds to expect a nice cheesy veggie burger (an awesome veggie burger with BACON) and a big homemade salad.

I know that so much of my problems with food are wired into me. I used to eat a Luna Peanut Butter Protein Bar every morning. That is practically a candy bar, despite its name. And my mind just wanted it. It took several weeks of changing my breakfast routine to not immediately crave a Luna bar as soon as my mind was fully awake.

So I need to trust that eating an apple after work will eventually be wired into me. That if I push through the cravings, I won't constantly want Chipotle.

Don't get me wrong, once January is over, I'm positive we will institute a Sunday night Chipotle night again. On Sunday nights, with Monday morning looming, Chipotle is a must. But that will be the ONLY meal out on weekends, and we won't get chips. And that'll be a big change that we worked hard for.

Back, and Forward

What do I say after not posting for over 2 months? It's like what you say to a friend you haven't spoken to in months--so much has happened but when you try to boil it down to a few sentences, you just say, Not much has been up with us, same old thing.

But that same old thing--LIFE--was busy and wonderful and stressful and blessed for the last few months of 2013.

I had a blog-life crisis in October. I had a social media crisis then too. In that, I decided I hated them. All of them, all of it, forever and ever, Amen. I hated the seemingly self-serving self-reflection, the narcissism EVERYWHERE, the know-it-all tones. Mostly, I feared that my little baby munch, when he's not so little or so baby, when he's teenage munch or adult munch, will say, why oh why did you feel the need to chronicle every time my snot turned green or I refused to sleep, for all the world to see and judge and comment on?

What if my son is intensely private? What if he's horrified reading my words? I don't think this will happen, but it could. He's a person, and a person has a right to say, don't put that out in the world about me.

I've missed blogging, but not desperately. In October, I quit Facebook FOREVER, hand to God. I cut down on Twitter. And I got less clutter-feeling, and I liked it.

But, I am a writer and I miss this writing. I won't be writing about Munch so much, no no. I won't be chronicling the ways motherhood freaks me out or bears me up. Well, maybe some.

So I'm still having a bit of a blog-crisis, but I've decided I don't care. Write through it, eh? I don't know who my blog-self is. And that is okay.

2013 was a good year, all told. Some highlights, before we turn our eyes to the New Year, one of my most favorite times.

I stayed over night away from Munch 3 times, for a total of 5 nights. This was a huge step for me. (In a few weeks, I will nearly double that time for 2014, yikes.)

I traveled to Pittsburgh, Michigan, Gettysburg, Chincoteague Island and Ocean City, Massanutten in Virginia, and New York City. I traveled with Hubs and with Munch and with family and with dear friends.

I started and finished a cross-stitch, which is an unbelievable feat for me. It took so much time and commitment and it's one of my year's proudest accomplishments.

I cooked, but not as much as I wanted.

I ate at restaurants and take out, far too much than I should have.

I ran and sweated, a bit.

I laid about.

I saved money.

I spent money.

I became an Aunt.

I had our front bushes torn out and our lawn cleaned up for winter.

I ate "clean" for 5 agonizing, brave days.

I supported family and got cheered on by them in my turn.

I supported myself.

I cried and worried.

I laughed and felt joy--joyed, if you will.

2013 was a bit of a hibernation year, when I reflect on what it felt like big picture. Not that we did nothing, oh no. We were as busy as ever. But we lived day-to-day, and it was good.

What I mean is, I didn't hold myself accountable enough, I let myself slip or hold steady. Sometimes you need that. But sometimes you need to push and pull and make yourself stand up.

I know best-laid plans and all, but Hubs and I are looking at 2014 as a Year of Preparation, a Building Year. And preparation and building take work and commitment.

Instead of laying out my typical resolutions, Hubs and I have chosen two words for the year: Frugal and Healthy.

Frugal seems so negative, but what we really mean is SAVE. As in money. We desperately want a new house, a bigger space. And for that to happen, I have to not buy random crap on Amazon. We have to save. Stick to our fun budget, and cut out the chaff.

Healthy, that's a big one. Munch watches everything now, takes it all in. And I want him to see a healthy mom. An active mom. One who values her body and her self and her mind. I've let myself go far too long without losing this weight. I want to lose the weight like I lost it in 2001. I started my 100 pound loss on January 2 that year. Thankfully, I don't have that far to go this time. But it's time to double-down.


So, to focus my healthy efforts, here are my commitments for January, ahead of Hubs and my Big Event in early February:

• Track all my food.
• Work out 5 days a week.
• Get at least 8,000 steps a day.
• Take the stairs.
• Meditate 5 days a week, even for just 5 minutes.
• Floss.

 And, blog. About what, who knows. But I'm glad to be back.

"Put Da Phone in Da Butt"

My son has always been drawn to my iPhone. It's amazing to me that while I still sometimes am amazed that I carry my entire life in my pocket, Munch will grow up with this as the norm, expected. He won't have to stand next to a rotary phone with a tangled cord in order to speak to someone. He will be able to talk to a friend while walking down the street, something that I never could have imagined when I was little.

I am hyper-aware of my tendency to "iPhone addiction." I am one of those who feel compelled to check my email each time I hear it ding, to check Twitter every few minutes, to always have my phone within reach. I work to put my phone out of sight as soon as I pick Munch up from daycare, but it doesn't always work out that way.

Last night, Munch showed that he too is hyper-aware of the phone's presence. As I scrolled through whatever inane information, he said, "Mommy put down da phone." He said the same thing to his daddy later on.

We listened.

I think we have to listen. That was Munch's way of telling me to refocus. To unplug from whatever it was that I just had to look at, to see what really mattered--my child. My real life. Munch is 2 years old. And he understood that I was distracted from him.

I'm not saying that we parents must always make our children the center of our attention. But I am a firm believer that, especially for us working parents, the moments of play time and quiet time with our children are precious and deserving of at least as much concentration we give to our precious screens.

And it's also a reminder that our kids are always watching. Later, Munch told me to "Put da phone in da butt." I almost died laughing--I always put my phone in my back pocket, and Munch was telling me in no uncertain terms to put it away where it belonged. In da butt.

What Beautiful Hair I Have

I'm not vain, not really. I'm usually the opposite of vain when it comes to physical attributes. But one thing I've always loved is my hair.

It's brown with reddish highlights, usually at least to my shoulders, shiny, soft, and, to my eye, gorgeous.

Once, a teacher in high school was demonstrating some tool, I have no idea what it was called, that measured things as tiny as a strand of hair and he used mine as an example and said, "You have very fine hair." So science backs me up. haha.

Here's a nice example of a good hair day (wasn't Nathaniel Hawthorne a hottie?

)

As with most things, my hair has become even more beloved to me since becoming a mother, because Munch is a hair-toucher. He strokes his own hair when he's tired or relaxing, and he loves to stroke mine as well. I don't blame him!

This is not the post for negativity, but I'm sad to say that I am getting a LOT of grays. This devastates me. I've been getting noticeable grays since I was in my early 20s and they've multiplied exponentially in the past 2 years (did anything stressful happen to me in that time period? Hmmm...) I think it's genetic, though, because my maternal grandma was pure white in her 30s. EEK!

I'm trying to be a woman who embraces the change with dignity.

But I mostly fail, as I stand at the mirror and pick out gray after gray or take the opportunity at a red light to fish some out.

I only dyed my hair one time and let it grow out immediately.

I don't want to dye it because I love, as I said, the color and the texture, and dyeing changes both of those things.

But they're both changing naturally anyway.

What to do, what to do.

In the meantime, continue loving my God-given hair!

What gorgeous hair that bride has!

 What do you love about yourself? Tweet it using the hashtag #12ThingsILoveAboutMe

Loving Myself: Look at Those Calves!

When I heard about the idea Kendra over at My Full-Thyme Life had about choosing one part of ourselves that we love each month and celebrating it, I knew I had to participate. With Operation Beautiful also backing the effort, I think it can really make a difference to a lot of women who have a negative voice going through their minds on, like me, sometimes a near constant loop.

Like Kendra, I've always been self-deprecating. There was never any REASON or moment that it started, it always just has BEEN. It's all linked to self-esteem and my very deep lack of it. I don't take compliments well. Review time at work is always an anxious time for me--and not because I'm worried about getting a bad review, but because I always get a good one--Almost all 5/5 ratings and I have to listen to what a good job I do ... My thought automatically is, "Everyone must be this good." And "I'm not THAT good--I've got them fooled." And "Oh God, now I have to live up to this."

Add to that an overweight childhood and overeating and trouble with impulse control and you have a recipe for someone who talks down about herself inside. When someone loves me, like my wonderful, sweet husband, I feel deep, deep gratitude--not, "Hell yes, he does. Who wouldn't?"

But I'm working to change that.

And the impetus is becoming a mother. Being a mother has made me stop and look at myself through my son's eyes.

When you have a kid, I think that's when you truly understand feeling unconditional love for someone--and you feel it reciprocated back at you. With Munch, he loves me for ME, for my silliness and my tendency to be goofy and my laughter and my softness and my very large capacity to love him. I don't overwhelm him, when one of my biggest fears has always been that I am overwhelming. Too much. And yet, still, somehow not enough.

For Munch, I am perfect. I am his mommy, his only mommy. Irreplaceable.

And when he looks at me, that's all he sees--Mommy. He doesn't look at me and think, Hm, she's fine enough, but a little thick around the middle and in desperate need of some triceps toning.

He sees love. And that's what I should see too.

So, this month, I'm celebrating my legs below the knee--I've always had tremendous calves. They're toned and powerful. I've had comments from friends, family, and random people throughout my life. My ankles are also nice, and, this may be weird, but I love how the tendons on the top of my feet look. Truth. I look awesome in heels.

What do you love about yourself? Tweet it with the hashtag #12ThingsILoveAboutMe.

April Resolutions: Back to Basics

I love "turn the calendar" days. I love looking at the fresh, new pictures and the days falling out across the page, so much promise and potential.

After a (very) rough 2 weeks food-wise, it's time to get back on track. Once I go off, I have an incredibly hard time getting back on. So, with the incredibly stressful week leading up to Munch's and my birthdays, then that whole weekend, THEN Easter--Let's just say I'm not going to hit my 10lbs in 6 weeks goal. That's okay.

I've still got 2 weeks to Munch's pictures, and a lot of progress can be made in 2 weeks if I set my mind to it! Consider it set.

This Month's Resolutions:

• Track my food at least 5 days a week.
• Work out at least 4 days a week.
• Work on my novel 3 days a week (yes, I said it, novel).
•  Tidy up the living room each night.

Here's to a month of positive change and warmer weather! 

Marching On: Monthly Resoutions Progress

This month, I'm trying out setting New Month Resolutions in preparation for my son's 2-year pics, for which I would love to have lost 10lbs.

I've got about a month to go and 7.2lbs to go. It's doable, it is. And I'm losing--I'm down 14.4lbs since January. I'm working out like a fiend--last week was 6 days! I earned 48 activity points last week, which is UNHEARD OF for me. I know this number will go down as my weight does, unless my activity goes up, but I'm already maxing out my time as it is.

The issue is, I'm eating ALL my activity and many of my weekly points. Now, this is still leading to losses of about 1.8lbs a week. But if I could JUST not eat those extra points ... if I could JUST eat only my dailies ... I think I would be in EVEN BETTER shape. And lose a bit quicker.

From today to next Thursday, I really need to buckle down--that is because, next weekend is MUNCH'S 2ND BIRTHDAY and also my birthday. I already have food celebrations planned. So, likely, the week after is not going to be a loss. And then it's Easter, which I'm going to try to manage because, well, I'm not 7 years old anymore.

And then I've only got 2 weeks to the pictures!

I do not want to go backwards. I've worked very hard, especially through February and March, and I don't want to throw that hard work away after a few days of leniency. I also don't want to let my birthday pass without Dairy Queen.

With Hubs being on points as well, I think it'll help. He's much less likely to go hog-wild when he's keeping track. This will hopefully stop me from doing so!

I know it would be better if I tracked even on the "bad" days. I know it's unlikely I will do so. I just need to make my food choices with my eyes open to the consequences.

How do you handle celebrations? How do you get back on track if you allow yourself to go off your plans for a few days?

The March Toward Losing 10 Pounds

My son is going to be 2 in less than a month; in about 6 weeks, we're going to Virginia's Chincoteague Island with some of our very best friends, one of whom happens to be a phenom photog, and doing his 2-year pics. I'm so excited! Munch will love seeing the wild horses AND the ocean. And we'll have lovely family photos!

In preparation for that, I want to lose 10 pounds between now and April 12. I've already lost 11 pounds since Jan. 1. Another 10 in 6 weeks may be a tall order, seeing as Munch's and my birthdays and the holy candyfest Easter are in there. But I really, really want to be 10lbs lighter in his 2-year pictures!

I'm inspired by one mom's commitment to do New Month's Resolutions throughout 2013, as opposed to just your standard New Year's Resolutions. Therefore, here are mine for March:

• Track food every day, no matter what it is.
• Up gym workouts to 5 days a week (from 4 days).
• Try the spinning/running class on Fridays.
• Eat a piece of fruit or vegetables with every meal and snack.
• At night, do not check Twitter until I've read for 15 minutes.

I'm still going to keep going on my New Year's Resolutions that have stuck, such as No Dish Left Behind and trying 2 new recipes a month.

Forward, ho!

Oh My Go*: Don't Repeat After Me

Today is Ash Wednesday. I always do Lent "wrong," meaning that I give up food and treats, self-sacrificing for the good of my body/health. Sort of like New Year's resolutions with Hell and Damnation lurking in the background.

Lent should be about spiritual reflection and making a sacrifice that will also somehow benefit someone else--like, give up going out to eat, but donate all the money you would have spent. I somehow never seem to attach that second part of the commitment.

My conceptualization of giving up of food items originated with my dad, who always gave up food stuffs for Lent when I was growing up. Sweets often was the sacrifice of choice. One year, he gave up milk (not dairy, but like glasses of milk). I remember thinking that milk is a healthy thing, but I now understand that overindulging in even healthy things can be an issue. And he did love milk. For me, as a child, it would have been orange juice. I could (and can) down that stuff in half-gallon sittings.

But I digress. For me, Lent has always been about giving up something you LOVE, and that is almost unquestionably food.

This year is not really different, unfortunately. I'm giving up eating after dinner, a major "problem time" for my eating habits. And I'm recommitting to tracking at least 5 days a week.

But I'm making some spiritual Lenten promises as well. I'm promising to pray, somehow, in some capacity, every day. I like the idea of praying--again, somehow I never seem to actually do it. I THINK about praying. I would be calmer, I believe, if I actually spoke to someone in the Great Beyond.

I'm also striving to stop saying the Lord's name in vain. I say "Oh my Go*" constantly, mindlessly. It's like a nervous tic, an automatic reaction to pretty much every emotion--surprise, outrage, frustration, happiness, excitement, disbelief.

But now I have a toddler. A talking one.

A few nights ago, Munch was doing his typical mad kicking when I was trying to change his diaper. I grabbed his ankles and muttered, "Oh my Go*." Munch looked at me and parroted, "Oh my Go*." Not crystal clear. But close enough.

I swear a lot. Or, rather, I EXCLAIM a lot. I'm an exclaimer. Many of my go-to words need altering now that I have a kid whose language is developing to the point of repetition and learning from what Mommy says. Swearing notwithstanding (I do swear a lot), other common words in my repertoire are CRAP and SHUT UP. Shut up usually in the "joshing" sense with Hubs--like he teases me and I say, "Shut up!" Sort of a Mean Girls usage. I would never tell him to shut up in earnest. However, it's still not a phrase I want to teach my kid to say (that was one of the banned phrases in our home growing up).

But saying the Lord's name in vain--this is certainly something I don't want my son someday screaming throughout the playground. I need to replace it with something. Oh my gosh just isn't going to do it. It doesn't have the same heft as invoking the Supreme Being of the Universe.