There and Back Again

About a week ago, I sat next to my sunscreened husband on a catamaran boat, our legs swinging over the side as we watched the sun set over the Caribbean Sea. The air was warm and breezy, the drinks refreshing, the sea clear and blue.

Hubs and I just spent 7--but really 9 because of travel times--days and nights away from our little Munch. It was our 12th anniversary on February 1, and it was a perfect way to spend it.

Not to sound ungrateful, (bear with me) but this is not a trip I asked for. In fact, when Hubs called me a year ago and said he'd won the trip in a drawing at work, I immediately began to cry.

Because I knew. I knew I would "have" to go. And I knew Munch would not be.


Winning a trip as a mother is not the same as winning a trip as a free-wheeling single lady (disclaimer: I have never been this person, but I imagine it's not the same). First thoughts were not of snorkeling and excursions and how many bathing suits to bring but OH MY GOD I CAN NEVER SPEND THAT MUCH TIME AWAY FROM MUNCH. I felt panicky and scared and sad.

There was a lot of motherly guilt thrown in at the beginning of trip planning: A mother "shouldn't" "abandon" her child to go off on a vacation. A mother "shouldn't" be able to spend 9 nights away while her son was in the capable hands of another. A mother "shouldn't" "want" to do these things.

And I always get a bit of a twinge when I hear statements from mothers like, "In 15 years, I've never spent a night away from my children." It's a bit of a badge of honor but also sacrifice. To not be in that club, well, frankly it makes me sometimes feel like I'm selfish or I must not care about my kid as much. I know these are false feelings, but they are the ones I hear whispering at night.

But. I've talked before about how I am desperately in love with my husband. We want to believe that this is a "given" and a "duh" in marriage, but I've seen enough marriages that prove this is not the case. But I do love Hubs, like love him, and it's always been extremely important to me for our children to witness this love. We love to be together. And while we love to parent together, this is different from "being" together. Relaxing together.

Hubs and I had not been on a Caribbean vacation where we didn't know another person since our honeymoon, 7 years ago.

Through good, hard work and a lot of support from my family (and, of course, my counselor), I put those "motherly guilt" statements aside. I worked to replace them with statements about how important it is for a husband and a wife to spend one-on-one time together, especially when both are working parents. How important it is for our son to see us enjoy spending time together. How important for our son to know he can spend time away from us, have a great time away from us in fact, and learn how that is okay and normal and good. How important for Munch to know that we can go away and come back.

And so we went. My biggest hurdles were the plane trips. I was terrified, despite all my logic-thinking. "Turbulence is normal." "Flying is a safe mode of travel." I was a mess both travel days, until wheels down in our final destination cities. My panic only heightened as we got closer to seeing Munch again--I wanted it so much, I was sure I wouldn't get to. But, of course, we did.

And it was wonderful seeing our Munch again. He was excited, we were excited. He had such fun at gramma and grampa's, and I thank my in-laws to high heaven for taking such amazing care of him--I never once worried about how he was doing, and that in itself is a blessing. We've had some transition bumps the past few days, like at night when he holds my hand and whispers over and over "Mommy, no go leave." Some meltdowns ("Mommy say no to me."). But, mostly all is back to normal. This is good for him to see, but also good for me to see.

I did it! I made it. It may seem strange to feel a sense of accomplishment after merely going on vacation, which I know we were truly blessed to do, but I do feel proud. Now, with a snowstorm bearing down, St. Lucia is a distant memory, almost as if it was a dream. Did I really lie on the beach for 7 straight hours a day? Did I wear my bathing suit and flip flops? Does the resort really exist?

They are memories Hubs and I will cherish, and we're committed to making vacations like these priorities in the coming years. And, similar to how I feel as a working mom, being away from and subsequently back with Munch has made me appreciate him all the more. The way he smiles and jumps 11 times in a row and plays with my hair and kisses our cats. I am thankful and grateful for the time away, and for coming back to my normal routine.

Little Things That Make Us Awesome

This week's Monday Listicles asks for 10 Little Things That Make My Family Awesome. I'm so happy with Hubs and Munch, so this list will be a cinch.

1. We laugh--a lot.

2. We split the chores (well, Hubs and I do, and I'm sure Munch will be brought into the mix when he's old enough--heck, he already carries around a water-filled bottle of carpet cleaner, following Daddy as he cleans up the ever-present kitty puke).

3. We love to be active together. The best nights are walk nights, with Munch in the stroller and Hubs by my side.

4. We let each other be still.

5. We support each other's interests. Hubs knows I sometimes need to hunker down and watch trash on TV. (He even has been known to watch LMN's Pick-a-Flick Fridays with me!) And I know that one of Hubs' great loves is and ever shall be video games.

6. We are committed to long-term goals, like reining in spending so we can get a bigger house in a couple years.

7. If there's a decision to be made, big or small, we consult each other before making it.

8. We say "I love you" every day.

9. We go grocery shopping together--it's one of Munch's favorite activities right now.

10. We lift each other up.

Bonus: We read. It's so important to me for Munch to see both of his parents enjoying and discussing books.

What makes your family special?

The Origin Story

Hubs and me on the Gettysburg College campus

Before Munch, there were two people who fell in love. This is how they came to be that way.

If you know me or have followed my blog you may have gleaned that I was not the most confident of people in my childhood, teen, and young adult years. (Can you read between the lines to see the gross understatement?) I blame this lack of confidence on my being overweight, but of course my reaction to my size is symptomatic of my lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. After all, one of my good friends from high school was as large as me and she started on the basketball team and had a ton of friends, if not boyfriends.

But this is not a story about weight, though all of my stories seem to come back to it. Probably, it's a crutch, but I'll figure that out later. Suffice it to say that by the time I turned 21, I had not had a boyfriend, not one. I had not casually dated, not once. I went to my junior prom on a blind date and never saw him again (he turned out to be a little cray-cray, so no harm done). I was, as they say, inexperienced in the love department.

Hubs, on the other hand, 500 miles away and in ignorance of his future wife's existence, had an active social life. Whilst he didn't date like crazy, he was beloved by many girls in high school. He was the "guy friend" that always had gals calling on the phone, I'm told. Gaggles of them, in my mind. He was a sweet guy, genuine, steady, the same as he is now. He had a serious girlfriend I believe when he was 16, took the breakup hard, but eventually got over it and later introduced me to the girl over dinner at The Olive Garden.

Hubs and I went to the same college, but we didn't get together until the second semester of our senior year. We crossed paths during our first 3 years, both working at the library and even being in the same World Music small group during sophomore year. I still have our final paper, and there are our names sitting next to one another.

But, you could say, Hubs had a distraction those first years in the form of a long-term, long-distance relationship with a girl in Upstate New York. While I spent my college years watching friends hook up and break up and eventually go long-term, Hubs worked hard on a relationship that ended badly right before senior year, devastating him. He started senior year in the middle of an ending.

By the time I started my senior year, I was in the middle of a beginning. By second semester, I had lost 100 pounds and gained some form of self-confidence. I'd dated one guy who seemed quite into me, though sadly for him, the feeling was not mutual. It felt weird to reject someone after years of being rejected--something in me said to be grateful for what I got. But, off he went, and off I went.

The last week of January, a mutual friend of ours (who also was in that World Music small group) threw a party. A gala, we called it. It was held in her dorm room. I showed up in size 6 (6! from Aeropostale!) jeans and a purple-striped shirt I still have. I wasn't a big drinker, but that night, I drank. I danced, a bit.

And across the room, I saw Hubs. He was wearing a backwards baseball cap, as was his custom. And shorts. In January. I would learn that such quirks also were his custom.

One of our engagement pics, taken in front of the dorms
where the gala took place.

We worked our way toward one another throughout the night. I kept offering him drinks, which he politely and consistently declined--with the excuse that he'd just played tennis, which made PERFECT sense to me. Later, I would learn that Hubs doesn't drink, never has (still hasn't), and I would feel like a LUSH. And the family lore would go that Hubs and I got together when I was drunk.

Around 11pm (seriously, what a rager, eh?), there was a knock at the dorm room door. In walked a Campus Security officer. He said we needed to break it up because of the noise (music), so I guess it may have been a bit of a rager. I was of age, but hadn't brought my license.

I sat down on the couch and huddled behind the guy sitting there--Hubs. I laid my hand on his arm. And he patted my hand with his.

Looking back, this is the moment that we both "knew something" was happening.

My friend came to collect me for the walk back to our dorm room. I later learned Hubs was going to offer to walk me back. We had made no plans to see one another again, not for Hubs' lack of trying. He and some friends were going to see Black Hawk Down the next night, but I said I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see that movie. (What. An. Idiot.)

Over the next week, I found myself thinking about Hubs at odd times. I'd look for him as I walked across campus. I stopped by the circulation desk where he worked. He gave me a ride to the gym when he saw me walking.

I remember realizing that Hubs was just "in my mind" when I watched TV--and that I thought I liked him. The thought panicked me. I didn't WANT to like him. I didn't want to feel how I felt when the other guy liked me and I didn't like him. I was feeling the tremors of vulnerability that love brings, I know now. I didn't want to be vulnerable.

The timing wasn't ideal, for me or for Hubs. We were both graduating in 3 months and who knows what life would bring. For Hubs' part, he kept the similar thoughts he was having about me a secret from most of his friends and family because he didn't want to hear what they would surely say--his 2.5-year relationship had just ended and was this really the best time to get involved with someone new?

But, we both pushed those fears away, thankfully, and Hubs came over to my dorm for biscuits (yes, biscuits) 6 days after the gala and the next night we went on our first date to see A Beautiful Mind. We had Wendy's for dinner. We talked into the night afterwards, about everything, and he kissed me when he left--and it was the kiss that told me I was on the right track. It EMBODIED Hubs. Genuine. Steady.

Three months later, we graduated college. Three months after that we both started grad school in Washington, DC. We moved in together at our mothers' mutual suggestion--to save money, they said.

Five years later, we got married.

And 4 years later, our lives changed forever, with the birth of our firstborn son.

A Windy, Wonderful Birthday

4/6/2013 Update: It's now 2 weeks past the party, and the weather is looking up--not breezy today, of course! I finally got some pictures uploaded. Enjoy!

I can't believe that one week ago right now, Hubs and I were bundling Munch up in the freezing March weather to go to the National Aquarium in DC for his BIRTHDAY!

We had a really fabulous birthday weekend, all told. The party picnic was well-attended DESPITE the horrid wind. And Munch was in a good mood the whole time! He even napped when he was supposed to.

Friday Highlights

Like I said, Friday morning, we went to the National Aquarium. This is not a massive aquarium, by
any stretch of the imagination. It's essentially a room in the basement of the U.S. Department of Commerce building and features aquariums inspired by various parts of the world--the Potomac River, the Great Lakes, the Great Barrier Reef, etc. We'd briefly considered going to the amazing Baltimore Aquarium, but at $30 a pop, we figured we'd save that for when Munch could "get" it a little more.

And that likely was a good plan, as Munch was most interested in the curving blue staircase. He looked at the large enclosure filled with American alligators and when we looked in each window, he said "allo" (water), but then he'd look at me and say, "stairs." So we walked around for a bit, then he ran up and down the length of the room for a while, picked out a stuffed starfish, and then we left, via said staircase.

Munch has been to the National Zoo twice before, which is technically in DC, but this was his first time downtown, near the Mall. We wanted to walk to the White House, which is close to the Commerce building, but it was so windy, and Munch was fighting a head cold, and I didn't want to risk him being sick for his party.

Saturday Highlights

Star cakes courtesy of
my lovely older sister

Saturday, which also happened to be my birthday, dawned at least sunny and, we thought, with calm breezes. Much to our dismay, when we got out to the picnic shelter, we discovered that in an open field, the wind was quite ... roaring. So some things went by the wayside--my MIL had gotten nice primary color tablecloths ... they blew right off, no matter how much tape I tried. I'd gotten some stars to hang up on the posts ... same issue, and they kept hitting people like Chinese fighting stars. I wanted guests to write messages to Munch on star cutouts--no way that was happening. It's a good thing I didn't get balloons.

Party favors courtesy
of my lovely MIL

BUT, there was a lot of room, which was our main goal. People mingled, ate pizza and cake, and watched Munch run around, down a sloping hill and up to the parking lot. Lots of our friends who we don't see too often came, so it was great to catch up, and it was wonderful bringing both sides of the family together. Hubs and I are always so thankful that Munch is so beloved and that our families' love for him brings everyone together.

Gold star for all

Will we have Munch's March birthday outside again? We'll see. USUALLY, the weather is at least 15 degrees warmer right now. I believe this year was an anomaly. And the lesson I am glad I learned before the party: Be prepared to adjust expectations. If I had had my heart SET on certain things, like the decorations, I likely would have been devastated. I concentrated on enjoying what was happening rather than lamenting what "should" have happened. Removing the pressure from myself and the event led to a very enjoyable time!


Amazing Hubs

And though for the past few years, my own birthday has taken a backseat to Munch's (in my own mind), so many people made me feel special for the occasion. My parents, sisters, MIL, and even some friends got me some wonderful presents.

And Hubs gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts he's ever done--a myriad of presents, some over the top and totally more than I expected, that are meant to refocus me on my writing. It feels so wonderful to have a husband who nurtures my interests and cheers me on.

All in all, a successful turning 2 for Munch, leaving me grateful for many blessings.

An Ode to the Hubs

I'm a day late with the Listicles this week, but sometimes life happens. This is definitely one I didn't want to miss. I could write 100 reasons Why my Partner Is Awesome, but we'll keep it to the 10.

1. He has red hair. My whole life I'd wanted to be with a redhead. Done!

2. He dances with Munch. This falls under the umbrella of "He's a kind, loving, devoted father." Munch LOVES to dance with Daddy. When Mickey Mouse Clubhouse comes on, if Daddy's in the room, it is Daddy he's dancing with. Hubs also rough-houses (well, toddler-style) with his son, making me anticipate living room wrestling matches in Munch's tween years.

3. He does a crazy amount of housework. Hubs does 95% of the laundry, every single week. He cleans up the dishes after dinner. He cleans the cat litter 98% of the time. He shreds our address on every piece of mail. He does these things without any nagging--in fact, as far as the laundry, I deserve some nagging to help him out, or at least to put my own clothes away after he folds them!

4. He doesn't smoke or drink. Not that alcohol in moderation isn't okay for us adults. But I never have to worry that Hubs will over-imbibe when out with friends.

5. He makes me laugh, always has, still does.

6. He is self-described loyal to a fault. Coming from parents whose marriage was torn apart by infidelity, I have often said that I couldn't be married to anyone but Hubs. He is 100% trustworthy. He is who he is. He is not wishy-washy. He's confident in who he is, and he talks to me when he's feeling off about something.

7. He trusts me. In this techy age where everyone has multiple digital lives, Hubs doesn't sneak into my phone to read my texts. He believes I am where I say I am. He doesn't police me or dictate what I can or should do.

8. He lets me be quiet. I'm an introvert and I like to be quiet. I'm prone to worry, and I often crave time to just be still. He gives me that.

9. He's passionate about his interests. He'll stew for days about a sports team's loss. He loves video games. He reads. He loves movies. He introduced me to Dave Matthews Band.

10. He's a "live and let live" kind of guy. He rarely judges and doesn't hold grudges.

I could go on and on. Long and short--Hubs loves me, and I love him, and together we love our Munch. That's about all a person can ask for!

Ahead of the First Overnighter

Today is my husband and my 11th anniversary! Not wedding, but what I call our "organic" anniversary--that of our first date. Some people may stop counting this anniversary after they get married; to me, this is the most important anniversary, the one that sprouted up of its own volition, not the one that is special because I chose a date. Also, Hubs and I were together for 5 years before we got married, and we lived together for most of that time; our life together started long before we got married. I'm not going to erase those five years!

To celebrate, we are going back to Where It All Began--Gettysburg. We're staying at a wonderful little locally owned hotel in their "Majestic Suite"--King bed, jacuzzi, the works.

And, we're not bringing Munch.

Tomorrow night will be the first time I've stayed away from my son overnight. Hubs, because of various work and family obligations, has had to stay away a few times over the past 22 months. I have been with this child overnight and every morning of his life. And, he was with me constantly for 9 months before that.

This is going to be hard, but it's also going to be good. For both Munch and me.

As a child of divorce, one of my biggest priorities is to keep my marriage, the partnership between Hubs and me, strong. Kids are a stressor; I try to ignore all of the articles on studies showing that married couples with kids are inherently unhappier than couples without kids. I would argue that it's a different type of happiness. Kids enrich your life in ways I could not have foreseen; but, you also have a LOT less energy and time for one-on-one devotion to anyone else, even the person you are desperately in love with.

I feel so blessed that Hubs and I were together for over 9 years before we had Munch. That is a long time to focus solely on one another. Our relationship was solid by the time we caused the massive sea change that comes with bringing another life into being.

That being said, since Munch was born, we've only stolen away for a few hours at a time, even on special occasions like anniversaries. And I know it's important for us to take a solid chunk of time to focus on each other, reflect back on some of the best moments of our life together, and recharge. It will make us better parents, and a better couple.

Staying all night with his grandma and grandpa will also make Munch a stronger person. He's already so strong--staying at daycare all day takes strength. But coming to understand that Mommy and Daddy can go away sometimes and that he will be alright, and that we'll come back for him, is a critical lesson to learn. And it's better for him to learn it early. I want him to have fun and find staying with others overnight to be a grand adventure.

This is another lesson in trust for me--trusting myself to go away and enjoy being "me"; trusting myself to not fall into some common emotional and melodramatic pitfalls; trusting our family to take care of this most precious being; and trusting Munch to work through some separation anxiety and come out the better for it on the other end.

Wish me luck!