The Problem With "Love Yourself as You Are"

I am a perpetual goal setter. I get fired up at the start of the year and at the start of each month. Heck, even a Monday can get me fired up for the potential "clean slate" of a new week.

Some of my goals, I achieve. Others, I don't. Do I sometimes feel disappointed in myself? Yes. But that doesn't stop me from setting more goals.

It has become common for women on social media to say, "Stop looking to constantly improve yourself. Love yourself as you are. You are perfect as you are. Don't set resolutions. You don't need to change to be happy."

And I get that. I do. I get that women have a tendency to berate themselves and to say "if only THIS was different, I could be happy." I get that people don't live "in the moment."

But. I am not perfect as I am, not really. For the past couple years, I have had high cholesterol and high blood pressure. These metrics are both driven by my weight. I need to lose weight for health reasons. I can only lose weight by setting goals, sticking to a plan, and monitoring what I do. All the time. If I stop, I eat thousands of calories and watch TV instead of moving. That is who I was as a kid. That is who I was as a teen. That is what is in my genes.

When I read the messages saying you don't need to change--just be happy, my little mind a) is ashamed about my penchant for goal setting, and b) turns toward FOOD FOOD FOOD. "That's great, I can eat all the things, all the time." It sets me up for  for making unhealthy choices and for perhaps getting more chronic health problems later on.

I am not saying that I shouldn't "love myself as I am" IN ADDITION TO making healthy choices. For me, that is a CHANGE. I need to CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR to live the most fulfilling life I can. And that behavior change will lead to a mind/body change. And I feel like the "body positive," "love yourself as you are" movements diminish that.

I may be the only one who feels shamed by the DON'T RESOLVE TO DO ANYTHING culture. And no, many resolutions don't stick. However, in January 2001, I entered a Weight Watchers room, at the HEIGHT of resolution season. I was what gym-goers and "regulars" at WW disparagingly call a "resolutioner." A faker taking up space for a few weeks.

But. By January of 2002, I'd lost 100 pounds. Some resolutions stick. And some change your life.

The Bloom Is Off the Rose

Hello from Week 3 of January commitments. This is the first week I've felt moderately blah about my fitness and food efforts. There are reasons for this, besides the fact that motivation ebbs at times--I have a cold that has me exhausted and sneezy, Munchkin is hoarse and I'm stressing it will turn into something that requires a doctor's visit. And my back tweaked again and that is always annoying. Last night was the first night when I felt, seriously, that's ALL the calories I get??? I just wanted to munch and graze.

BUT, I didn't. I had just enough calories for dinner and I didn't have a sweet snack afterwards. This is nigh a miracle! Keep on, keepin on.

• Track all my food. Still doing. I lost 3.4lbs this week for a total of 14.7. Not too shabby. 
• Get at least 8,000 steps a day. Doin it, though it has been a challenge with this cold. I am not able to step it up at all like at the gym, so I'm doing a lot of walking around the house at night. That also means, I'm right around 1,200 calories a day and that is a challenge as well.
• Take the stairs. Yes to the stairs, though I took the elevator once because I had to print something before a meeting and the clock was ticking and again because I was carrying 50lbs of bags and with my back I didn't think it was smart to haul them up 9 floors.
• Meditate 5 days a week, even for just 5 minutes. Missed one day this week, but still going.
• Floss. What's flossing?

 This week marks the last one before vacation! One more big push until a much-needed break.

Still Going Strong

Week 2 of January commitments to getting healthy went very well. Here's the rundown:

• Track all my food. Still doing, and it's getting easier now that I've become familiar with the calorie count for many of my go-to foods--not so much looking up. I was pleasantly informed by my weekly FitBit report that I ate 7,000 calories less than I burned this week--that's exactly on point for eating 1,000 calories less than I burn each day, the goal for 2lb weight loss a week. This week, I lost 6.8lbs for a total of 11.3lbs. I know this is faster than recommended, but when I was "on" during my big weight loss in 2001, I did lose quickly. And, my weight fluctuates daily (I'm weighing myself every day), and so tomorrow I very well could be up 2lbs. I'm just going with it, knowing that I'm doing my best with food and ...
• Get at least 8,000 steps a day. ... walking! I am LOVING the walking. I haven't always been a fan, but I am really enjoying it now. Last week, I averaged over 10,000 steps a day. I also did some harder jogging at the gym a couple times, but I'm really focused on the step total.
• Take the stairs. Still rocking the stairs. I can't say it's getting easier, but I haven't been in the elevator for like 10 days. It's nice.
• Meditate 5 days a week, even for just 5 minutes. Yep. I still don't know if it's doing anything, but I'm trusting it.
• Floss. #Fail. Once this week.

This weekend poses some challenges, as we're going out to lunch with some friends, and it's another friend's birthday. I'm mentally prepped, but encountering these things is different from thinking about them. But I will succeed!

I Could Walk 10,000 Miles

Well, that's how I feel today! Because after a week's concentrated effort, I'm finding that 10,000 steps a day is not so daunting.

A week into January resolutions, things are going very well. I have my eye on the short-term prize, which is a trip for Hubs and me to St. Lucia. The goal is to be good with food and exercise all the way until we leave, which is soon! Then, we plan to work out together while we're away, but I can tell you I'll be indulging in the "free" (read: all inclusive) food and drinks for the week we're off sunning ourselves and connecting as a couple.

An update on my commitments for the month:

• Track all my food. Done and doing. I'm a Weight Watchers gal, but right now I'm tracking all my calories (even lettuce and celery!) in my FitBit app. I love this. My available calories adjust throughout the day as I walk/move more or less. I love having it all right there. I've "nailed" my calorie goal every day for a week, have eaten between 1,200 and 1,600 calories a day, and lost 4.5 pounds in a week. (Mostly water weight, I'm sure.)
• Work out 5 days a week. This has sort of morphed into my next commitment.
• Get at least 8,000 steps a day. I hit and exceeded this goal. On days I went to the gym to walk for about 30 minutes, I easily hit 10,000 steps. Days I didn't, I worked for 8,000 steps. I have decided to take my "working out" slowly, focusing mostly on steps rather than miles or speed. I'm not in great shape and I don't want to push my body too hard, so while I've been to the gym several times this week, it was to walk more and only slowly jog about 8 minutes, if at all. I'm taking the fitness advice that walking is the best thing you can do for your body to heart. I love hitting 10,000 steps. And, honestly--it's not that hard. I thought it would take so much work. It just takes about 45 minutes of concerted effort a day. The rest falls into place. Hubs and I walk around our house at night, just back and forth, back and forth, and Munch walks with us! He says "I steppin too!" I can't wait for spring.
• Take the stairs. Boy have I nailed this one. Every day I've been in the office for the past week, I have walked up and down the stairs. I work on the 9th floor. This means that when I get in in the morning, I walk up the 9 floors, deposit my stuff and check my email, then head back down and walk to Starbucks, then walk ANOTHER 9 floors back up. It feels like hell while I'm doing it, but it feels awesome afterwards. 18 floors by 10am isn't too shabby! I've only been in the elevator twice this week, when riding to and from a meeting with a colleague.
• Meditate 5 days a week, even for just 5 minutes. Done. I do a 5 minute guided meditation every morning before my shower. I don't know if it's doing anything, but I'm going to keep doing it.
• Floss. Um, twice this week. Will try to be better. Why is flossing so impossible, I ask you?

Here's to another awesome 7 days!

Breaking Bad Habits: Weekend Meals at Home

For the past several months, Hubs and I got into the very unhealthy habit of eating out for most of the meals between Friday night and Sunday night. I don't know, when 5pm on Friday hit, it's like something clicked in our minds and it was all restaurant food all the time.

Part of it was being busy and overwhelmed with the holidays and just life. Despite what Rachael Ray may contend, ordering takeout or running to Chipotle takes much less effort than making ANYTHING, even a sandwich, in my own kitchen. There are no veggies to chop, heck no veggies to BUY, and someone else does all the work.

And another part of it is that WE LOVE FOOD and we love takeout and we love restaurants. We just love eating. What we don't love is the effect that had on our bodies! And it has had one.

And once again, a lesson I'm learning over and over is that I can't go lax on myself with food. Some people can take or leave food. If given the option, I am like GIMME, all day, every day. I need to set limits on myself.

So, part of "get our butts in gear" January is to not eat out for dinner or meals on the weekend for the entire month. Not even our beloved go-to Chipotle, which is actually healthier than most takeout if you do it right--but it still is a lot of calories, and we got into the habit of splitting a bag of chips, which are decidedly unhealthy.

And that's what eating out turned into: a habit. So much so that this weekend, on Saturday night, Hubs turned to me and said I really feel like we should be going to Chipotle. We'd programmed our bodies, in a very Pavlovian way, to expect Chipotle for dinner on the weekends. It felt WRONG not having it, my body and mouth were like WHERE IS MY CHIPOTLE WITH THE AMAZING CITRUS-Y RICE???

We needed to break that habit. We need to reprogram our minds to expect a nice cheesy veggie burger (an awesome veggie burger with BACON) and a big homemade salad.

I know that so much of my problems with food are wired into me. I used to eat a Luna Peanut Butter Protein Bar every morning. That is practically a candy bar, despite its name. And my mind just wanted it. It took several weeks of changing my breakfast routine to not immediately crave a Luna bar as soon as my mind was fully awake.

So I need to trust that eating an apple after work will eventually be wired into me. That if I push through the cravings, I won't constantly want Chipotle.

Don't get me wrong, once January is over, I'm positive we will institute a Sunday night Chipotle night again. On Sunday nights, with Monday morning looming, Chipotle is a must. But that will be the ONLY meal out on weekends, and we won't get chips. And that'll be a big change that we worked hard for.

April Resolutions: Back to Basics

I love "turn the calendar" days. I love looking at the fresh, new pictures and the days falling out across the page, so much promise and potential.

After a (very) rough 2 weeks food-wise, it's time to get back on track. Once I go off, I have an incredibly hard time getting back on. So, with the incredibly stressful week leading up to Munch's and my birthdays, then that whole weekend, THEN Easter--Let's just say I'm not going to hit my 10lbs in 6 weeks goal. That's okay.

I've still got 2 weeks to Munch's pictures, and a lot of progress can be made in 2 weeks if I set my mind to it! Consider it set.

This Month's Resolutions:

• Track my food at least 5 days a week.
• Work out at least 4 days a week.
• Work on my novel 3 days a week (yes, I said it, novel).
•  Tidy up the living room each night.

Here's to a month of positive change and warmer weather! 

Marching On: Monthly Resoutions Progress

This month, I'm trying out setting New Month Resolutions in preparation for my son's 2-year pics, for which I would love to have lost 10lbs.

I've got about a month to go and 7.2lbs to go. It's doable, it is. And I'm losing--I'm down 14.4lbs since January. I'm working out like a fiend--last week was 6 days! I earned 48 activity points last week, which is UNHEARD OF for me. I know this number will go down as my weight does, unless my activity goes up, but I'm already maxing out my time as it is.

The issue is, I'm eating ALL my activity and many of my weekly points. Now, this is still leading to losses of about 1.8lbs a week. But if I could JUST not eat those extra points ... if I could JUST eat only my dailies ... I think I would be in EVEN BETTER shape. And lose a bit quicker.

From today to next Thursday, I really need to buckle down--that is because, next weekend is MUNCH'S 2ND BIRTHDAY and also my birthday. I already have food celebrations planned. So, likely, the week after is not going to be a loss. And then it's Easter, which I'm going to try to manage because, well, I'm not 7 years old anymore.

And then I've only got 2 weeks to the pictures!

I do not want to go backwards. I've worked very hard, especially through February and March, and I don't want to throw that hard work away after a few days of leniency. I also don't want to let my birthday pass without Dairy Queen.

With Hubs being on points as well, I think it'll help. He's much less likely to go hog-wild when he's keeping track. This will hopefully stop me from doing so!

I know it would be better if I tracked even on the "bad" days. I know it's unlikely I will do so. I just need to make my food choices with my eyes open to the consequences.

How do you handle celebrations? How do you get back on track if you allow yourself to go off your plans for a few days?

The March Toward Losing 10 Pounds

My son is going to be 2 in less than a month; in about 6 weeks, we're going to Virginia's Chincoteague Island with some of our very best friends, one of whom happens to be a phenom photog, and doing his 2-year pics. I'm so excited! Munch will love seeing the wild horses AND the ocean. And we'll have lovely family photos!

In preparation for that, I want to lose 10 pounds between now and April 12. I've already lost 11 pounds since Jan. 1. Another 10 in 6 weeks may be a tall order, seeing as Munch's and my birthdays and the holy candyfest Easter are in there. But I really, really want to be 10lbs lighter in his 2-year pictures!

I'm inspired by one mom's commitment to do New Month's Resolutions throughout 2013, as opposed to just your standard New Year's Resolutions. Therefore, here are mine for March:

• Track food every day, no matter what it is.
• Up gym workouts to 5 days a week (from 4 days).
• Try the spinning/running class on Fridays.
• Eat a piece of fruit or vegetables with every meal and snack.
• At night, do not check Twitter until I've read for 15 minutes.

I'm still going to keep going on my New Year's Resolutions that have stuck, such as No Dish Left Behind and trying 2 new recipes a month.

Forward, ho!

Resolution Update, Week 5

Here we are a month+ into  2013 and some of my resolutions are on track, others are in need of refocus, and others have been dropped entirely.

1. Blog once a week. Happily doing it, at least 1 post a week.

2. Work out 4 days a week. SO frustrating with this one--I got a cold and then a stomach thing 2 weeks in a row--no working out. I got back into the gym and it felt SO good on Thursday and especially Friday--and now I have the most terrible sinus infection. I feel I won't be consistently in the gym until about March at this rate. And I've bought some awesome workout clothes!

3. Track food 5 days. Have not done it and have gained. I've been "eye-balling" it and that doesn't work for me and I know it.

4. Avoid chocolate. I haven't overdone snacking at night, even with eating small bits of chocolate in WW and Skinny Cow snacks.

5. Read 15 mins a day. I'm going to add "5 days a week" to this one. Part of my problem sticking to this one is my sicknesses--I've been so tired and unable to focus; but another part is I'm quite ready to be done with Count of Monte Cristo--and I've still got 1,500 Nook pages to go.

6. No Dish Left Behind. We are rocking this one. Though I hate having to unload the dishwasher pretty much constantly, not having dirty dishes piling up has helped my mindset so much.

7. Write 60 minutes. Have not done it, and need to do it.

8. Try 2 new recipes/month. Tried 3 new recipes in January--the brunch recipe (a hit); minestrone (good, but got my stomach flu in the middle of eating up the crock pot and so now it sounds disgusting); Hungry Girl lemon squares (ok; I burned the crust and that sort of knocked down some enjoyment).

9. and 10. Twitter and iPhone. These have fallen off. I'm revising to be: Do not check my phone after getting home until Munch goes to bed. Really, that's the issue for me--staying engaged with Munch and not getting sucked into my phone.

Refocusing my energy for all, and looking forward to more healthy days back in the gym!

Resolution Update, Week 1

I really should be calling this something more like Health 365 or something pithy, but it is what it is.

The resolutions are going well. I'm feeling confident that I made (mostly) the right call in the number of days/week I'm doing something. My weeks start on Thursdays because that's when my Weight Watchers meeting is.

1. Blogging: This is my second blog post this week, so goal exceeded.

2. Work out 4 days a week. Did it! And it felt so great. I worked out both weekend days during Munch's nap; one weeknight my wonderful husband did bathtime on his own and I zipped over to the gym; and one weekday, I left work a bit early (and picked Munch up from day care a bit late) to work out at the gym at my office. I can already feel some results; I also can already tell that the weekend days are crucial. Fitting in a workout 2 days during the week doesn't seem that daunting, whereas 3 or 4 might.

3. Track food 5 days. Did it, and lost 4.6 pounds! Much of that would have been holiday water weight, but it's a success! I still need to reign in some of the eating, but did much better this week than in months.

4. Avoid chocolate. This one hasn't been difficult, but I haven't done it either--espeically when I remembered my favorite Luna bar (Chocolate-Dipped Coconut) has chocolate and it's my go-to breakfast. So I've had chocolate here and there, and it hasn't "triggered" eating. Might drop this one.

5. Read 15 mins a day. Doing it. Usually it's ONLY 15 minutes and those are done IMMEDIATELY before shutting my eyes at night. Not quality reading time, but reading time nonetheless. I do wish I'd assigned a number of days per week I have to do it; will reevaluate in February.

6. No Dish Left Behind. Thanks to my husband, doing it! It feels wonderful to come down to an empty sink each morning. This is a challenge, but I already made different choices this week because of it. Sticking with it!

7. Write 60 minutes. On Sunday, Munch had a particularly long nap, and I got all of my minutes in in one sitting. I wrote for another 60 minutes last night, and I'm keeping those in my back pocket to apply to this week if something crazy happens. However, it's felt awesome writing again, and I feel the "drive."

8. Try 2 new recipes/month. Did one last weekend--a brunch-ish casserole that was a hit. One more to go!

9. and 10. Twitter and iPhone. These were sort of tacked on resolutions and that's how I've reacted to them. I've been on Twitter less and have checked my phone less, especially at home, and that's really my main concern: Focusing on Munch in the evenings. So these will likely be "loose resolutions."

Resolution Time

I love the start of a new year. I love fresh starts and the concept of a "clean slate." I strive for ongoing self-improvement, but I don't know--there's something grand about an empty calendar that gets me invigorated for change.

And, really, for me, resolutions are about the promise they hold. For me, the New Year is all about the possibility.

I therefore have 10 resolutions, some of which are meant to re-focus me on my health goals, others of which are to get me back in touch with the Girl I Used To Be, before I took on that all-consuming role, Mother. Or, at this stage, Mommy. Still others are meant to give me a quieter mind in the midst of this chaotic world. I'm sure I will fall short of some of these resolutions, but that's ok.

1. Write at least 1 blog post per week. Transitioning to a new, more demanding role at work and trading a laptop for a desktop caused my blogging to lapse in the past few months, and I want to remedy that.

2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week. This is the resolution that feels most daunting to me. Time is required, full-on "me" time, and that is a precious commodity with a nearly 22-month-old running around.

3. Track food at least 5 days a week. The true goal is 7 days, and being on points, but this official wording gives me some wiggle room if needed.

4. Avoid chocolate except on pre-determined special occasions. I have to admit it--I can't have chocolate in moderation and stay on points. When I first joined Weight Watchers in 2001, I didn't touch chocolate for 3 months. I need to get back to that with this trigger food.

5. Read for at least 15 minutes a day. I love reading and it's sad that in my current life I have to resolve to do it; but it's something that if not made a priority can be pushed aside easily. I want to move through books a bit more quickly this year, and reading daily is the only way to do it.

6. Never leave a dish out overnight. Another challenging one, and one I will need my husband's help and support for. When my kitchen is a mess, my mind also feels cluttered. If we keep up with this daily, with each meal, it will not be impossible.

7. Write for 60 minutes a week. Not so long ago, I wrote a novel. The worth of these pages is as-yet undecided, but I wrote them. This novel needs significant reworking, but in the last couple years, I started another, and this story is one I think about--obsess as only a writer does--daily, hourly, minutely. I need to get this story out.

8. Try 2 new recipes a month. Part of my trouble with eating well is keeping meals interesting. This number is not overwhelming, yet will add variety to our table.

9. Only check Twitter in the mornings, after work, and before bed. As of now, I seem to check Twitter during every free second. Social media is a time suck, a procrastination aid, noise. I would like to cut this down to twice a day, but will start here.

10. Only check my phone/email once an hour. Along the same lines, when my phone buzzes, I jump on it. This leads to distraction during the work day and loss of focus during the precious time with my kid after work. I don't need to look at my phone constantly. It's a habit, and one I want to break.

That's it! What are your resolutions for 2013?